[	Tags	|	j fab	]
[	Current Location	|	room	]
[	Current Mood	|	curious	]
[	Current Music	|	we rise- rama duke	]

falling for the wrong person for all the right reasons....

this is such a pain in the ass. i cant deal anymore. first it was the jackass who caused me so much pain for 2 1/2 years now the "friend" who has come to help me thru this mutual idiosyncrasy we're experiencing. he; going through the same as i, has brought us closer. but what i'd like to figure out and test is; how close is close enough? not trying to overstep my boundaries and be that creep who falls for the first person to show them even the slightest bit of interest after a heartbreak. i dont wanna be that person. but he's so genuine and real, and a very honest and caring person and doesn't deserve what he's been put through. and most would say yeah i deserve what i got bcause im not a very good person and i look for ways to find another's demise. but he has seen the real side of me that not many people get to see. the side that does have a heart and feelings. a heart and feelings i hide so well so others won't see them, because of a fear of gettin my heart and feelings trampled on like so many have done in the past. could this be my saving grace or jus a new good friend? i'll guess i'll just have to ride it out. i mean we only just started talking .. and i dont want to damage the little progress we've made. i find solace in him, i find a very secret place where i can confide the secrets of a dark and painful past without fear of judgement. and that means a lot to me. but like i said; i want to get close to him, as a friend, and possibly more, but how close is close enough? for how long can i portray this act and charade of me just waning to be  good friend eventhough that is my intention, but wanting to show him so much more of me. how far can  i go without letting my inner emotions take control of my ego or better yet my friendship with him?


comments please..
a damsel in distress

i can't even fathom my life at this point. i sit here trying to blame it all on u as if ur the reason when in reality ur only a small fraction. ur not the reason i cant get over you. its because im weak to you and weakness is caused by fear... fear of losing you... although i pretty much already have. but whatever i cant blame anyone but myself. and it kills me. i love you more than anything i have ever imagined and it kills me to know you feeling nothing remotely similar for me. i cant keep going on waiting for you to open your eyes, i guess i'll take this love to the  grave cuz i know u'll never want to experience it. i just wish i can get over you so i can move on with my life. i feel like a damn 3 year old because i feel so emotionally attached to you. and for what reason? so u can break me down even more and watch me crumble under this scrutinizing light or lie i call my alter ego... or the repetoir of happy faces and fake smiles while deep down im being drowned in 6 inches of water which has manifested itself in your eyes. its like screaming on top of everest where no one will hear me. or swiiming to the bottom of the ocean where no one can see me, or even loving someone that will never love me...



i still trip over everything you say...


xjfame

i really can't deal with this anymore. it's been two years since we broke up and unfortunately im still in love with you... people dont understand how i feel for you. ive never felt that way. i wish i could just turn it off. but its not that easy! i mean we've gone our separate ways with other people and still being really good friends while it lasted./... but im sorry i cant do this anymore. im not gonna put myself thru this anymore... and if it means cutting you out of my life to turn this off and make myself happy for once then im sorry but its someting i have to do. or i just have to move far away and let go of my past. it just sucks cuz i firmly believe we're soul mates... but u know what fuck it cuz u've hadd so manny chances and never took them.. u never wanted it to work never wanted wanted me again the way i wanted you... laziness is what i call it. when u know damn well i could have treated you better than any of those other assholes you were with and you know that damn well. IM JUST SO FUCKING SICK OF CRYING! SO TIRED OF LISTENING TO DEPRESSING MUSIC. AND FORCING MYSELF TO BE HAPPY AROUND YOU BECAUSE I DONT WANNA BOTHER YOU WITH MY CHILDISH WAYS OF STILL BEING HUNG UP ON YOU. BUT I'VE COME TO THJE CONCLUSION THAT YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL OBVIOUSLY SO GOOD RIDDANCE...

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN MY LIFE\
BUT I HAVE TO CLOSE THIS CHAPTER IN MY LIFE....and if i shall die tomorrow you will at least know:


I LOVE YOU
I'M SORRY
GOODBYE....


XJFAME

and this bitter pill is leaving you with such an angry mouth. one that's void of all discretion such an awful tearing sound...



i dont have the time...

MALL upgrade bitches!!!

yeah so i dont know what has been going on in my head lately but it just seems like a clusterfuck of emotions. fear, hatred, jealousy, love, shame, embarrassment, vulnerability, insecurity, so many to list. not knowing where this is stemming from s slowly killing me psychologically. its as if im surrounded by these overbearing knaves, that just love to see me fail, crash and burn. and to the normal person this would make them push harder and strive harder. sorry but not for me, this just makes me want to give up. throw in the towel and jus put my head in my hands and cry for help. a cry for help for something i dont even understand. a cry for something i dont even know the cause of. i cant pinpoint this or these issue(s) but i honestly wish i could just identify this plague eating my psych so i can move and live lfe, not worrying about my shady and shadowing past. just as f i started over new. that would be quite ideal. 


its just ashame that i dont think i can
so i'll stick it out, im a tough classy broad haha
i'll deal...



xjfame

[	Tags	|	`	]
[	Current Location	|	livng room	]
[	Current Mood	|	pissed off	]
[	Current Music	|	cute without an "e"- taking back sunday	]

like i just don't get it. you fucking are obviously having issues with ur significant other. me as ur best friend would lke to know what's going on and u blow me off.. i dont fucking care if u dont wanna tell me. thats what friends are for. to talk about things n get advice. im sick of seeing u go thru this wth every fuckng guy ur with. are you that thickheaded to not realize that i've been waiting [like an idiot] for the past two years??? i dont care if u arent in love with me anymore. i know u still feel something inside... and heaven for fucking bid u take a chance on someone who would treat you right. no u decide on assholes hu make u cry... but you know what i love you like family. nd as more.. but im not gonna watch this shit happen over n over again. its too fucking depressing... thought you cared... guess it was just me caring too much...


-jFAME-

[	Tags	|	dizzy	]
[	Current Location	|	my room	]
[	Current Mood	|	confused	]
[	Current Music	|	dizzy-jimmy eat world	]

so... lately i've been kinda depressed thinking about my past. the love i once lost. well not lost persay, but basically yeah. my first love, who is now one of my best friends. we broke up almost 2 years ago but are very good friends now. anyway we hang out a lot and talk about everything, but ive always felt something in the back of my head, as if something was missing from this great relationship we have. it's killing me to acknowledge the fact that i could possibly still be in love with this kid when i thought i had been over him for almost 6 months. i dont wanna let myself slip back into that phase where i cant let go again. it'll kill me. and  i dont wanna jeopardize our friendship because it means so much to me. and seeing him with other guys hasn't bothered me n a while but when i see that he's hurt and/or depressed it rips me apart inside. it just feels like this very thin layer of ice i had covering my heart has been penetrated by a flame so fucking hot, it melted the only thing that kept me sane. it's driving me mad. all in all, im lovesick, i can't bear to see him get hurt. although for some insanely odd reason, i dont care how much he hurts me, although unintentionally, he does. but i dont hold that against him. its not his fault im stuck in this puppy love phase that has renderred me completely incapable of loving anyone else. I just wish i could move on, but i jus feel as if there's something in my head telling me "wait! don't let go, he still loves you too, he's just not ready to embrace it". and that would be all fine and fuckin dandy, but my heart is telling me it wont happen...

so i leave you with the lyrics of "dizzy" by jimmy eat world because it basically states exactly how i feel.

you close your eyes and kiss your hand then you blow it
but it isnt meant for me and i notice. 
if the choice was ours alone
then why'd we both choose letting go?
does it end like this?

time neer had a chance to heal your heart
just a number always counting down to a new start
If you always knew the truth
Then the world would spin around you
Are you dizzy yet?

Respectfully, some honesty I'm calling out
Do you hear the conversation we talk about
I'll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine we show it all

All talk and not a lot to think, we were living dreams
And shame never crept close to our naked feet
If there's something left to lose
Then don't let me wear out my shoes
I'm still again.

I tried, but it rang and rang, I called all night
On a pay phone, remember those from another life
If everything I meant to you
You can lick and seal then fold in two
Then I've been so blind

Respectfully, some honesty I'm asking now
Do you hear the conversation we talk about
I'll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine we show it all

Oh, oh, take it all back, take your first, your last, your only
Oh, oh, take it all back, take it all back, everything you showed me
Oh, oh, this must be how it feels when the feeling goes...ohhhhh

I told you as I hovered, I'd never felt this way
You said I had the shot that stops my clock, baby it's ok
You said you'd never have regrets
Jesus, is there someone yet who got that wish?
Did you get yours, babe?

Respectfully, some honesty I'm asking now
Do you hear the conversation we talk about
I'll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine we show it all